[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
you will never know the true number of layers
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
starting a garage orchestra
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
bury ourselves
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Just a friendly reminder!