bury ourselves
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
This why you should mind your business
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Always
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.