Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Auto correct is my worst enema.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump