cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.