Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Why can’t mirrors be nicer