‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.