Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.