Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them