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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*