Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
![]()
You Might Also Like
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
![]()
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
![]()
Blew out my flip flop…
![]()
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?