Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
You Might Also Like
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“We will wed,” I threatened
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.