me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
technically true but not a great slogan
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.