5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Sign at work today
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message