HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
You Might Also Like
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Follow me for more fitness tips.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.