Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.