Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Reporter: *ports again*
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I came this close!!!!
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.