Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around