Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You Might Also Like
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
He wanted to make sure😂
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Strangers have the best candy.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet