My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.