[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
What flavor cupcake are these
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts