When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Cats are still liquid.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.