I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus