“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.