a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.