I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.