He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
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If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
me before I type out affect or effect
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
relationship goals
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water