[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I would move hell over six inches for you
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.