*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?