Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
the short answer to this question
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?