People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
What
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*