the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
You Might Also Like
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists