Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I came this close!!!!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.