YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Okay, I’m still confused…
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago