Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
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{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!