Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
This kid is going places
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
WTF
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.