Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

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mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth


Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”


Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.


Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.


Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.


When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”


Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.


I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”


My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later