Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
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We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.