Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Baller is short for ballerina
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.