Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
live, laugh, laundry.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.