My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks