owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.