When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
normalize having existential bread
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Cats (2019)
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon