When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
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My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views