When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
You Might Also Like
Single and childfree like Jesus
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?