There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
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mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite