People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
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Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The Compass
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
✌🏽
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.