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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty