sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.