husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
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Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
There’s always that one guy
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Why font matters.