Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.