I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
You Might Also Like
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
based al yankovic
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
B
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME