I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

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Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.


I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.


Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u


If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.


[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello


Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.


I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.


{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!


Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready