Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.