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“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
he chose this
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”