Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs