I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
This trial is so absurd 😭
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere