I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*![]()
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?![]()
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why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.